HEY YOU GUYS

I'm gonna turn it on. I'm gonna bring you the power. I'm gonna light up the dark of night like the brightest day in a whole new way. I'm gonna turn it on and bring you the power. It’s coming down the lines, strong as they can be. Through the courtesy of The Electric Company.

If you haven't noticed how much more efficient you're electricity is being produced you should take notes. I am officially a member of the energy producing conglomerate known as "Entergy." Please take this message as a friendly reminder to pay your bills on time. If by chance you haven't paid your bill yet this month I will personally bring my hot stick down and shut it off free of charge. Time is money. I can't be expected to keep the pace up with you slacking on your responsibilities....nay your duty as an American of paying your electric bill. Shame on you!!!

Tomorrow is the 4-D Ultrasound. I have never heard of 4-D. I knew there was 3-D movies such as Jaws and Moonwalker, so I took out my trusty dictionary and looked it up. The official definition for a 4-D Ultrasound is :"Another way to stick it to an unsuspecting ignorant expecting slack jawed yokel father." I didn't really know how to take this expression. Was this calling me a slack jawed yokel? How dare they. What if they are referring to the lovely and talented daughter? She isn't even born yet you bunch of jerks. Could they possibly be referring to my mother-in-law? Mr. Webster You Are A Rotten Son Of A....... actually that is pretty funny. Oh Mr. Webster you are quite the uproarious one.

Breaks over, back on your heads. (If you don't get it I will explain it to you later.)

I don't eat nothing but bear cat stew

You can call me Alley Oop if you wish. I may just knuckle your head before you can count to four. Sometimes I wish I were a caveman. Back in the caveman days there was no shopping for nursing bras. Nobody told Alley Oop that he had to paint a nursery.

Just be a man in a cave with a club so when my old lady started giving me what for I could club her over the head and drag her away by the hair. Ahhhhhhhh the good old days.

I should be set after this weekend for the year on reunions in case any of you were curious. Saturday is my mother's side and Sunday is Lindsey's dad's side. Trust me when I tell you that a good time will be had by all.

OH BOY

It's a girl. Maybe, the ultrasound lady said it was a girl.

Sophia Claire

I can't tell for sure but I have a sneaking suspicion that she is going to be daddy's little angel.

The air is so heavy and dry

It is going to be a cruel summer even by Bananarama standards. Calm down I am going to be ok. Lindsey might have some discomfort during the hot months but she is pregnant and gets enough attention anyway.

Tomorrow is the 24 week appointment. It will also be the visit that we will learn the gender of the baby......if the baby is laying in the correct position. If this baby is anything like it's mother then it will not have a bit of a problem flashing it's private parts at a camera. Enough about our honeymoon.

This weekend we had a large six family yard sale. I don't normally shop at yard sales. I have enough of my own junk without having to raid other peoples private stashes. Therefore I have a lot of questions concerning the thought process of certain shoppers. Maybe not questions as much as comments. Since I am always professional and courteous I will put these concerns in bullet form in no particular order.

• Why do you think it is necessary to ask someone the price on every item in the yard sale. Normally people don't set around putting a piece of tape on clothes with $0.25 written on it for fun. Last time I drove north on state highway 7 above Russellville, Booger Hollow was closed. Finding a tshirt from there should be considered a bargain.
• If you ask me how much for a beatles cd and I say fifty cents it is fifty cents. Yes I know it is a double cd set and one of the cds is missing. If I had both cds I would sale it for $1 or I may even keep it.
• The Playstation 2 works. I am not at this yard sale to trade goods and services. If you want an item then buy it. I don't want to trade you a Playstation 2 for two used 4 wheeler tires. Seriously.
• NO DAVE THE WEED EATER THAT IS PRICED FOR $2 PROBABLY DOESN'T WORK. THAT IS WHY IT IS $2.
• The flat bottom boat is not for sale. If it was for sale it would be setting here with the rest of this stuff.
• People actually purchase used underwear. I don't really think I can add anything to that.
• I wear a size 13 shoe. I don't have any men's dress shoes in a size 11. I am not sorry that I don't have a size 11. This isn't the foot locker.
• No understanda mexicana.

Needless to say the local SOS chapter is going to get a rather large donation this week.

I have a drug test tomorrow and haven't started studying so I am going to go do that.

Rocky Mountain High

Colorado.........John Denver seemed to enjoy it so I guess I will too. Next week I will be there for five days so if you run across me after that and I break out in a folk song you will know why. Feel free to sing along. Maybe we can rock out to a little Peter Paul and Mary's "where have all the flowers gone" make some turquoise jewelry and not take a bath or wear deodorant. Sounds like I am in for a fun week.

Last week Lindsey went back for a check up. The Doctor said all looked well and we will get to find out the gender next visit. Next visit will be June 12th. I didn't get to go with her last week because I was in Baltimore. I wanted to visit Edgar Allen Poe's grave but didn't make it because I was to busy dodging pigeons and homeless people. Baltimore was a nice city with lots to do and see. I ate a lot of crab cakes. They were delicious. The hotel we stayed at was used in the filming of the movie "National Treasure." Nicolas Cage was nowhere in site. I kept calling the front desk and asking for his room but they would just disconnect me.

Seattle was a good city and so was Chicago. I basically judge cities criteria on food. If they have good food then I like it. Believe it or not the best wienerschnitzel I have ever eaten was in Terre Haute. Of course the only other time that I ate wienerschnitzel was out of the back of an old man's truck in Regional Park in Pine Bluff. You know that may not have been the wisest culinary choice I have ever made. It did taste better than menudo, the soup not the group of young Hispanic boys.

I better sign off, this entry is starting to make me sound like Steve Martone.

It's been seven hours and 15 days

I am like a bird without a song.

We are slowly plodding along awaiting the next drs appointment. I will not attend this appointment because I will be in beautiful scenic crime free Baltimore Maryland for a meeting. It has really been slow the last few weeks so I have very little to write about.



I am taking this slow down not recession as an opportunity to express my severe disappointment in each of you. You can tell a lot about a person’s true character by the way they assist those in dire need of assistance. Not a single one of you have offered to come to the aid of someone in a desperate situation. Sure some of you have made comments in passing but they are not heart felt. There is nothing funny about giving a grown man a bath. All that had to be done was someone reach out with a brush and some Calgon fruity citrus. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada, el nothingo!!!! Between cooking two meals a day, re-shingling the roof, building a flower bed and repairing a broken air conditioner my wife hardly has time to bathe me. SHE IS PREGNANT!



Shame on all of you. This is really going to make for an awkward memorial day because I am showing up with a bath mit, wash tub, a bottle of Mr. Bubbles, my Bangles CD and somebody is going to give me a dang bath before we eat. No more mister nice guy either, this bath is going to include all the tough spots.

Such are the dreams of the everyday housewife

You know the kind you see everywhere any time of the day?!? The everyday housewife who gave up the good life for me. This doesn’t apply to us. It has been slow the last few days in the life of Bonnie and Clyde (Lindsey said that I have to quit referring to myself as Bonnie). I guess I could call us the dynamic duo, Pancho and Lefty, eggs and bacon, peanut butter and jelly even though Lindsey doesn’t like to be called “chunky”, potted meat and mayonnaise……you get the point.

This weekend we are going to celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday. She will not tell me how old she is and I don’t guess it is a good idea to saw her in half and count the rings. I have a guess but will not reveal it here. We are going to eat at Red Lobster then we are having a loser leave town come dressed as you are coal miner’s glove death match of Putt Putt Golf. I will win unless someone cheats. So if anyone claims victory just assume that I was shafted.

I will probably order the shrimp feast platter. I am like the slow guy on Forrest Gump. I like shrimp. That may be the only similarity that I have with the guy. I haven’t watched that movie in a few years so I am not sure. 53. That is my educated guess for my mother-in-laws age. Here is how I deduced that number. She graduated in 1977 from Prattsville High School. She had a birthday a month before she graduated. She should have been 18 years old when she graduated high school and if you deduct 18 from 1977 you get the number 1959. It is the year 2008 so when you do the math you come up with the number 49. Here is where the college degree X street smarts / dashing good looks come into play. I have been at my in-laws house while Fox television station was airing an episode of their popular show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader.” Based on my findings from this sitting it is my theory that she didn’t pass the third grade on the first try. Therefore I am going to round up to the number 53. So let me be the first to wish my beloved mother-in-law a happy 53rd birthday. Seriously you don’t look a day over 52.