I'll try not to sing out of key

I need a little help from my friends. No, really I am in a dilly of a pickle, a jam if you will. What is the problem you ponder? Last night my lovely and pregnant bride hit me in the back of the head with a bar of soap. Here I am in a bathtub full of hot water having to defend myself from flying bars of Safeguard and sprays of Mr. Bubble. I can see the confusion in all your faces so let me start from the beginning. My apologies if any of this gets a little racy.

April 23rd will be our 3rd anniversary. In celebration of this glorious date I made accommodations for the two of us to spend a lovely relaxing weekend at the beautiful, historic and majestic Arlington Hotel and Spa. I always thought that the term majestic meant luxurious, stunning maybe even breathtaking. There was a Mrs. Pacman game in the arcade that was the newest edition to the hotel. A 1980 edition. Apparently old and dilapidated are the true meanings for the word majestic. I guess it would be a bad idea to call my mother in law majestic now.

Friday afternoon we checked into the hotel. We ate dinner at one of the dining establishments inside the Arlington because I was obviously fitting the profile of a fool and his money. You know the one that says we easily depart. The food was good and we didn’t have to get out and fight all the corvettes and motorbikes. Not a total loss. We turned in for the evening knowing that we had a busy day ahead on Saturday.

Saturday morning we went to a little shop across the street for breakfast then walked around the downtown area looking at the shops and different attractions. We had to be back at the hotel at 2:30 for our trip to the spa. That’s right ladies yours truly went to the spa. We actually made it back to the room about an hour early. With an hour to kill we did what any young couple would do. I took a shower and Lindsey watched tv. Yes I took a shower. Excuse me for wanting to be clean before my mineral bath and massage.

We arrive at the spa and get situated. They have a woman’s side and a man’s side. Lindsey went to the pink and I went to the blue. Since Lindsey is preggo she could not get the mineral bath. She had to settle for a forty minute massage. I opted for the works; consisting of a mineral bath, fifteen minute sauna sitting, relaxing hot towel wrap and twenty minute massage.

For those of you who have never experienced the spa treatment before then I will allow you to come along with me for the experience. They gave me a towel and sent me to a changing room. In this changing room I had the choice of bathing or birthday suit. I did not know bathing suits were allowed therefore didn’t have one with me. I exited the changing room with my towel wrapped around my body and accompanied my bath house attendant, an older African American gentleman named Harold, to another small room. Inside this small room there is a large tub half full of hot mineral water. This is where the story gets a little odd. Once inside this room I was instructed to remove my towel and get in the tub. After settling into the tub of hot water I was scrubbed down with a luffa and soap by your bath house attendant. I was given a bath by an old man. Naked. I loved it and would do it everyday. It was the second most enjoyable experience I have ever had that involved an old man, a sponge, a tub of hot water and no clothes. Don’t judge me.

After the bath I went to the sauna then over to the hot towel wrap. After this it was on to the massage. I was rubbed down by a professional. It was great. The rest of the weekend was nice but I was too relaxed to recall any details.

Now to the point of where you may be of assistance to me. Spa treatments are not cheap. I am in direct need of financial assistance. Not to pay for the trip we were on but to get more massages. Here is how you can help. Next Saturday I will be having my first semi annual spa bikeathon. The point of a bikeathon, or any athon, is to raise money for a needy cause. I can’t think of any better charity than myself. I will have to borrow a bike from one of the Hispanic children in the neighborhood but it will all work out. What I would like to see each of you do is pledge $10 per lap around the block. Maybe I can even raise enough money to buy my own hot tub, sauna and massage table. I would let each of you take turns being my bath giver. Don’t worry ladies I will wear a bathing suit for the scrub down. I will be in my birthday suit for the guys because lets be honest bathing in a swimsuit just doesn’t make much sense. I am going to go ahead and allow Ron the honor of giving the inaugural cleansing. The list will be completed by the order in which you respond. Don’t worry about not getting in on the rotation I can take more than one bath a day if we need to double up to let everyone have a turn.

You are probably asking why don’t you just run a tub full of water and have Lindsey bathe you. Last night after I ran me a hot bath I called for her to come in and scrub me down. This resulted in the soap to the back of the head. I don’t understand pregnant women. I would find it very therapeutic to give me a bath.